


The Hardest Words to Say

by PeterStark



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hope for the future, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kindness, Loneliness, M/M, Mind the Tags, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Protective Steve Rogers, Protective Tony Stark, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark is Good With Kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 10:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18569239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterStark/pseuds/PeterStark
Summary: Tony wanted to walk home with Steve, but he didn't know they'd run into a young woman on a bridge who needed someone, anyone to reach out.





	The Hardest Words to Say

**Author's Note:**

> This is a heavy fic full of mental illness and thoughts of suicide. If anything above (in the tags) bothers you, please turn away. I wrote this while going through some mental health struggles of my own, so some of that is reflected here.
> 
> This is my first work in a while. I'm doing much better and I am very grateful to all of you who have sent me well wishes. I've pushed through some issues and I am much better. I don't know how much I'll be writing in the near future, but I have written and that's progress.

"This was...surprisingly nice." Steve smiled and kissed Tony's temple.

Tony blushed a little bit. The world knew that the Tony Stark and the Steve Rogers were going out, but Steve was rarely openly affectionate in public. Tony both liked and disliked it. He liked it because most people he'd been with wanted to be seen (so they could have their own few minutes of fame by association) and it had always made Tony feel used. It was nice to not feel used...but Steve was so tactile when they weren't out in public. Though Tony wasn't one for people touching him, he'd grown used to Steve constantly touching him...he even found himself missing it when they went out. "I told you you'd like curry if you gave it a try."

"It is a lovely restaraunt." Steve agreed.

Tony grinned. When they'd first started dating, Steve had been so surprised that Tony didn't go to fancy restaraunts unless it was for business. When Tony had the choice, he'd always choose the hole-in-the-wall, the places only the natives knew were good. "It is." He held out his hand for Steve's, an invitation that could be accepted or rejected.

Steve took his hand gently. "You sure you want to walk home? It's a couple of blocks and a little...chilly."

It was nice to have someone who actually paid attention around him. "It's not that cold. I'm game if you are." Tony returned the favor. They both had their reasons to hate the cold, the cold desert nights had been filled of pain and torture and Cap still had nightmares about the ice.

"I'd like a walk. Don't know why, but I feel like I've been in a car way too much recently."

"I just...feel like we should walk." Tony shrugged and straightened Steve's collar on his jacket as they stepped out into the street. He smiled when Steve put both of their hands in his pocket to keep them warm even as they stayed linked. Tony's phone buzzed and he looked at the text.

Underoos:

Home safe. Had a good patrol. I promise no stab wounds this time. Are you going to be home for dinner or are you still out?

Tony chuckled and responded a quick 'on my way'.

"Peter?" Steve wondered.

"How do you know?"

"You only smile like that for him." Steve shrugged.

Tony knew it was true. It wasn't for a lack of love that he didn't smile like that at Steve, it was just...different with a kid, a different version of love. "Yeah, he wanted to know if I'd be home or if you'd stolen me away again. I sort of feel bad. I've not dated much since he was born, he's used to having my undivided attention. It must be weird for him..." Tony sighed as they started across a bridge.

"I don't ever want to come between you two, you know? He's your son, I know he's the most important...and I have a feeling he doesn't like me all that much."

"Don't fool yourself. He loves you...I just don't think he knows how to deal with me...loving more than just him. It isn't selfish or anything, I think he just needs some time. He really does like you, Steve. Hell, I think you might be his favorite Avenger...after me of course." Tony winked and Steve rolled his eyes. Tony suddenly froze. He'd seen something that bothered him....what had he seen? He glanced around again, then spotted the problem.

A short young woman was sitting on the railing of the bridge. Her blonde hair was pulled up, but that wasn't what was strange. She was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a tank-top. They were obviously sleeping clothes and she was sitting in them, outside, on the railing of a bridge, on a night when snow was expected.

Tony felt his heart sieze. "We need to cross the street, now."

"Tony what's...oh." Steve didn't hesitate to follow him into the road when he noticed the woman.

The worst part...was that there were other people and they looked at her...then went by her without saying a word, without questioning what they were seeing. Tony squeezed Steve's hand tightly before letting him go. He appraoched the girl and put his hands on the railing.

"It's a nice view, mind if we share it with you?"

The woman jolted and slowly turned her head toward Tony. Her face was red and not just with the cold. "Well...it's a free country, right?" She smiled a warm, welcoming smile, but it was a forced one.

"Yup." Tony hopped up onto the rail and let his feet dangle too. He noticed Steve mimick the posture on her other side. He knew instantly the look on Steve's face. If the girl even tried to fall he'd catch her before she could let go of the railing. Steve was being hyper-vigilent, his eyes taking in everything. "I like the skyline, don't you?"

"Yeah. All the lights...so many people." Those last words were tinged with...something sad and hollow. "And here I am...I get to see all those lights...so far away."

Isolation. Tony thought to himself. He could work with that. He'd felt that before, he'd spent most of his life in full rooms...but completely alone. "Seems a bad choice to wear just a tank-top though." Tony said quietly, shedding his jacket and wrapping it around her shoulders. 

The girl stiffened and her eyes widened. It was as if she never expected a kindness to be put on her shoulders. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle with accepting that, yes, someone was kind to her. What was even more heartbreaking...was that she didn't look much older than Peter.

"I wasn't planning on feeling the cold very long...I thought it wouldn't matter. I saw no point getting dressed up warm, you know?"

"Yeah." Tony nodded. "I know. I've thought similar things before and nearly... Can I ask why you're here?"

The girl stared down at the water and was unmoving. "I thought you said you understood."

Tony took a deep breath. "Oh, I know what the purpose is, that's not what I meant. It's just...I've sat at the edge of a bridge before, in my own way, without any plans of going home. I just...want to know how to help." He reached his hand out slowly. She didn't react until he rested his hand on top of hers. 

She closed her eyes then, her jaw tightened. "It's all so little. I'm nothing and I think about all those problems, all the terrors you and soldiers and police and firefighters see and you all still stand there and then I think about all of these little things that I worry about. They're things that are so little that leave me so broken and beaten and I feel so small and stupid and-"

"You're not stupid." Tony promised. "Did you know I have more trouble with memories of my childhood and my father and my abandonment issues than I do with superheroing? I've been tortured, sweetie, but what haunts me more is the time my dad back-handed me and my mother said nothing. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, pain cannot be compared to anyone else's. It is unique. All unique and unparalleled."

The girl opened her eyes again and stared at the water. "I'm just tired of having a meaningless life."

"What about it do you think is meaningless?" Tony wondered.

"I've always thought that the most important thing in life is love. It makes the world spin, right? When you're kind even to one person it can send a shockwave of energy that make hundreds of lives better. Do you understand...sorta, what I mean? I don't usually speak sense. I have trouble finding the right words for what I mean."

"No, I understand. Love is very powerful." Tony agreed, smiling over her at Steve. Love could save lives and brighten days, giving and recieving love was one of the best things in the world.

"I just..." The girl spoke, then went quiet.

"Take your time." Tony soothed her, lacing his fingers with hers.

Her attention snapped to their hands. "You know I can't remember the last time someone hugged me without any reason, just because they cared? I can't remember anyone touching me without it having a function, I can recall a professional handshake and one of those 'we're sorry someone died' hugs, but I've never gotten an 'I'm happy to see you' hug or a 'just because I care' hug. I don't have friends, because the only 'friends' I have show up when they have a problem. But I'm still there. I just feel like I have so much love in my heart. I give and I give and I give until I'm exhausted and too tired to leave my bed, too tired to take care of myself, too drained to feel anything. I give advice and time and energy and I create things and I give so much...but the last time I spoke to a 'friend'... I was trying to help them talk through a problem. They sent me this book-length text and I sent them a few ideas back at how to tackle their problems and push through...and all I got back from them was that they 'didn't want my fucking opinion.' They didn't want me, they just wanted a thing to talk to... It's like I'm not a person anymore."

Steve took in a sharp breath.

"I give so much to friends to family. I was a shut-in for years because I was so hurt by broken trust. I was cared for so little that no one said a damn word when I stopped eating, stopped talking...hell I basically stopped existing, barely able to get out of bed...always late to appointments. No one noticed, and when they did they never asked why, they just got mad at me for not being there for them when they needed me. I was so much worse then, broken in a million pieces. But I've worked so hard. I've gotten therapy and I'm doing so well. I'm not even hurting myself as much anymore..." She looked at her hands and arms, the one that was free of Tony's. Even in the faint light, Tony could see the scars and a few scabs, but the scabs were small and the scars were many. She was doing better than she obviously had before. How had no one in her life noticed it? Noticed her inflicting that pain on herself? "I even can stand to look in the mirror without hating myself. I've made so much progress but...my family doesn't know I have all this deep pain. All the signs right in front of them and they look right through them. I flat out told my parents that I wasn't okay. I told them I was broken when I started draging myself up from my personal hell, but they did nothing, said nothing... It just confirmed that I'd fight this alone. To this day, they don't notice or care when I come to dinner with teary eyes and a red face or when I sob until I fall asleep, or when I'm so empty that I feel nothing for days or weeks at a time. I give all I can to them and it's like..."

"Like they don't give a damn about anything you need?" Tony asked. He'd felt the same way with his parents and some of his 'friends.' Like he gave so much, but they just ate it and nothing came back. It was an emotional hell-hole to be in.

She nodded and a tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm almost thirty, you know? I know I don't look it, everyone thinks I'm ten years younger than I am..."

Tony thought. 'Damn she does look Peter's age.'

"No one's ever asked me out. I've never been on a date. I've never been hugged or kissed or cuddled. I watch TV and read stories about families that hug or boyfriends that cuddle and it looks so fucking unrealistic to me, like it's something unnatural. In fact, this is the first time anyone's held my hand." She shivered and a tear fell again. Tears were falling, but her voice was empty, resigned. "I never knew people could be so warm...you forget that skin has different textures than your own too...." She moved her fingers slightly. "You have different callouses than I do...it's strange to think that we all have skin and it all feels different."

Tony saw Steve grip her other hand.

She shook her head. "I give and give. And I learned at a young age that if I don't go get something it will never come to me. So I've tried. I've asked people out, even someone I thought was a very close friend...and now I've gotten so many 'no's that I just stopped asking. No one has ever accused me of being pretty or cute or beautiful. No one's ever really taken a second look my way. Ever since I was little I've always been that one person, that one friend everyone unloads on. They just come to me with their problems and fears and worries and I just do everything I can to help, but in the end, they move on and I'm left drowning in my own problems just wishing I could make sense of my shit the way I make sense of theirs..." She shook her head. "I know I'm surrounded by emotionally draining people, people who are unknowingly hurting me, but I can't get out. You can't move out on minimum wage, not when you have college loan bills that take half of your paycheck. Plus, every time I do save up my money my family decides they're somehow entiteled to it or my friends need it or my fucking car breaks down and I.... I can't move up in the world if corporate jobs suck the life out of me and the one thing I'm passionate about keeps slamming the damn door in my face because no one wants me or my fucking art no matter how many hours I pour into it....

"So here I am, trapped. Unable to get my own space, to detach from the people who drain me. I love them too much to stop giving, but it kills me to live in this world where I'm not worth anyone else's time or love or energy or affection. The only reason why killing myself seems like a good idea is because I want to get away from all these thoughts and emptiness. To just make it all stop. If it stopped...then maybe I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. I wouldn't have to think about how no one in this damn world wants me... And when I'm not depressed out of my fucking skull I know how crazy killing myself is, but right now it seems like the only way to stop these thoughts... I'm over a quarter of the way through my life and I want kids and a family, but everyone my age is already married with kids...hell I don't know anyone my age who hasn't had sex and I can't even claim a first kiss. A quarter of the way through my life and no one wants me, no one ever has.

"You know, it's sad... The only person I feel emotionally safe with...the only person who I feel like they actually listen to me is my therapist. Everywhere else I walk on eggshells because I know that theiy'll either make it worse or shame me for not being able to handle my little life." She laughed darkly. "It's funny, the one person who listens to me gets paid to listen to me."

"I'm listening to you. We both are." Tony said.

"You're heroes...you just can't walk away when someone might jump off a bridge. It doesn't really count. Heroing is your job."

"Steve didn't walk away when I put a gun to my head and he hated me at that time." Tony sighed. "I'm going to tell you a secret, that no one else knows. I have a son, He's fifteen and he was a what many would call a mistake, but the best one I ever made. I'd've killed myself a million times if I hadn't had him to live for. Well...one time I almost did it anyway. He and I had had a fight and he wasn't talking to me and I was already in a deep depressive well. I thought I had no one...then Steve walked in. Steve and I fought non-stop. We both have very strong personalities and we always fought so I thought he hated me, but did you know he talked me down that day? Ever since we got closer...bit by bit."

"Well, you're a good man and very strong." Steve spoke for the first time, looking at Tony, then the young woman. "Everyone who fights like you two do are very, very strong. You, sweetheart, are as strong as a superhero."

The woman almost smiled. Almost.

"I'm not very good at saving people." Tony let go of her hand. "Steve is. I promise you, if you try to jump he will stop you. But I won't try to stop you."

"Tony!" Steve hissed.

Tony shook his head and climbed off the rail. "I'm not going to stop you, because I see the look in your eyes and I know you're stronger than this." He took a few steps back and faced the young woman. "There is something you need to say. I think you've said it before. I bet you even screamed it at the top of your lungs. One day, you screamed the words so loudly and when no one came you decided to shut yourself in. Now, you've come a long way, but you still need to say those words. I'm right here and I'll hear them, but you have to trust me that I will hear them and you HAVE to say them." Tony held out his hand waiting for her to say the hardest words. Tony had screamed them himself as a child and no one came. Then, he'd never said them again, not until Steve had come to him on THAT day. "Say the words and I'll be here. I'll hear them and I will act on them. But you have to choose to say them."

The woman glanced at him with wide, teary eyes. "How do you know?"

"Because they are the hardest words to say, especially when you've said them and no one came." Tony shook his head. "Some people go deaf to them, so you have to say them with the right people around."

The woman looked back out at the water and her muscles must've tensed because Tony could see Steve go rigid, as if he'd noticed her preparing to jump, preparing to die rather than go unheard again.

"I'm right here." Tony promised.

Several minutes passed in silence as the woman obviously debated on whether or not her heart could take one more rejection, one more chance at hoping, when so many times her hopes and dreams had been crushed.

Tony didn't move.

"Help me." She whispered, her voice breaking.

"Okay, I'm right here. I'm right here. Come here." Tony offered. "Take my hand."

She didn't turn or move a muscle. "Please help me." Her voice was a little louder.

Tony smiled and took a step closer. "I'm right here, you just have to trust me, come on."

Her hand tentatively reached back. "Help...me..."

That was exactly what Tony needed. He needed to know that she was willing to hope, was still willing to reach out from her end, from however deep in the darkness she was, he had to see her reach out. Tony took her hand, then took another step forward. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her back onto the bridge. One of her slippers fell in the water with a splash and she gasped, throwing her arms around him and sobbing. "It's okay. I hear you and we're here." He cradled her against his chest and his jacket fell off of her and onto the pavement. "I'm here and you're safe. I hear you. I care."

A second pair of arms wrapped around both of them. "We care." Steve promised.

"I know you're in the dark right now, but let's get you some food and rest and a warm bed. I promise you you'll feel better when you get some rest. Sometimes we just need to take a break. You're just at the bottom. You've put in too much work to stay down there long. You need to rest so you can get back to where you need to be."

She nodded against Tony's chest. "It's not usually like this. It hasn't been this bad in a long time. God, I thought I'd gotten through this." She sobbed.

"It's okay. We all fall down sometimes. We'll help you through it, every step." Tony promised.

**Author's Note:**

> I like to think that after this they all had hot chocolate and she and Peter stayed up all night watching Disney movies with Tony and Steve.  
> Take care of yourselves.  
> Thank you for being so kind. Your encouragement helped me feel something when I didn't want to feel anything.  
> Thank you.


End file.
